Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
