I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
