We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
