The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Panties = found
Randomize
