rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
