I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
