i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
