Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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