kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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