areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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