I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize