it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize