Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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