She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
