Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Randomize