Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
