Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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