Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think my mom watched the whole time
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
