It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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