he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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