I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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