did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
