you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
