her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
