Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
