I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize