So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize