my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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