Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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