Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
