I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
