my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
