I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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