did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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