put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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