Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My ass is underappreciated
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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