Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
