God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
