I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
