I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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