I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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