I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
