wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
