I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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