you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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