I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
