Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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