her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
