I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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