Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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