Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize