I wannas sexs uuuuu
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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