The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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