apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
