Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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