at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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