I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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