We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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