i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
