Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He felt like a one man threesome
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
