i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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