Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
