Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
