Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can I color on your dick again?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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