NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
