I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
A+ Viking dick
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
