I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
