Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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