i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
