Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just want to make out with him forever
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
