hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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