So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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