Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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