your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
