im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
