It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
