Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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